The player is that guy who only dates for sex. He’s not interested in anything other than a casual fling, and he’s likely to be seeing multiple people at the same time, whether he’ll admit it or not.
You don’t have to stay away from this type of man if you don’t want to, but if you’re looking for a committed relationship, you’ll probably want to avoid the type. If you’re into casual sex, however, have at it!
The problem is that players are not always upfront about only being interested in sex. If they were, they wouldn’t feel the need to “play” you — or any other woman — in any way. They’d simply be men who are looking for casual sex (exactly like some women are).
He changes his tune when you state you’d like to hold off on having sex
He’ll try to be upfront: he’s not looking for anything serious. Casual sex? Yes, please. Let’s get to know each other. Go on a couple of dates and not do anything more than kiss, but hint at taking you back to his place and have sex. See if you take him up on it.
So you tell him you’ve been having fun hanging out, but you’re looking for a relationship, and you’d like to hold off on sex until you’re serious with someone — and that’s when he starts hinting he’s looking for a girlfriend.
He hints at you becoming his girlfriend. Him, the guy who two dates ago wouldn’t even consider a commitment. He might play some version of: “I’d like a partner, but I can’t decide to be serious with anyone I’m not physically compatible with first.”
So you have sex with him — and he bails on you. Of course, changing your mind is not a crime, and a guy who wasn’t looking for anything serious can change his mind and want a relationship. But if it feels like he’ll say anything you want to hear just to get you into bed, then chances are that’s exactly what he’s doing.
He can easily go for days without talking to you
It’s a simple test, really. It’s as easy as refusing to text him first, refusing to try to start a conversation (or keep one going), unless he does it first.
I understand some people are bad at texting.
They don’t enjoy it, or they’re so busy during the day that they simply forget, but for me, personally, frequent communication is an important aspect of a relationship.
Anyone who’s not in contact with me regularly, asking me about my day, or simply sharing something they think would make me laugh, is not the right person for me. And I think more women feel that way than not.
If you stop texting him first and he goes four, five days without reaching out, it means two things: 1) he wasn’t really trying to get to know you all this time; 2) he didn’t really miss you.
Sure, he might be thrilled that you broke your silence and contacted him again, but only because it gives him another shot at sleeping with you.
He doesn’t ask much about you, or gets into “meaty” topics
I matched with a guy who seemed cute enough. As we were exchanging a few messages, I made a joke about Trump, trying to get into the topic of politics. Yes, I sometimes like to talk about politics on the messaging section of a dating app, sue me. (Or shoot me?)
Anyway, his answer was a short “I don’t vote.” He then proceeded to immediately try to get me over to his house, for a “date” that was essentially “come make out on my sofa.”
Men who aren’t interested in discussing meaty topics, such as politics, with you, are not interested in your opinion. They’re not interested in your thoughts, or in what shapes your worldview.
Those things, however, are fundamental building blocks of a relationship. If he’s not interested in discussing those, he’s not interested in a relationship with you.
His idea of a first date is Netflix and chill
This guy doesn’t even try to make it look like he wants to go on a date with you. The player isn’t shy about inviting you over to his place for a first date. You haven’t even met in person yet, and he’s already suggesting Netflix and chill.
Or perhaps you meet IRL, not on a dating app, but as soon as you exchange contact information and go your separate ways, his behavior is essentially the same as the above.
He might make the effort to grab a coffee with you, or go out for a drink maybe once or twice, but as soon as you sleep with him, “going out” dates become the exception, not the rule. He likes to hang out with you, except not in public places, or in broad daylight.
He won’t text you first — only text you back
If you discover a pattern in which you’re the only one texting first for days — or even weeks at a time — beware. Only texting back reeks of low effort and low investment — the trademark of a player. He wants something easy, and that won’t take too much of his time, so having you come to him is his ideal scenario.
If you don’t actively seek him out, he might forget you exist. I find that this is a basic rule of thumb: if someone’s unwilling to make an effort, they’re not interested in a relationship. This is true for women as well.
A woman who never texts you first and barely texts you back isn’t that interested. I know I’ve let a few conversations with men I wasn’t interested in simply die — that’s why I like to see effort from the other side whenever I’m invested in someone.
Ultimately, being “played” is not your fault
It can be damaging for a woman’s self-esteem to feel like she’s been played by a player, used by a player. But what you have to remember is that, ultimately, it’s not your fault.
Chances are he saw how much you hoped for a relationship, and he preyed on those hopes. He knew what to say and what to do to get you to fall for him, and you shouldn’t blame yourself for being fooled by his façade.
The positive side of a bad experience with a player is learning how to avoid someone like that in the future. Hopefully, the tips I shared here are helpful as well.
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