Have you ever loved someone so much that you gave them every part of yourself? Have you ever loved a man so intensely and naively that you thought you were destined to be together? Have you ever loved a man whom you thought was the one, but it turned out that he was the wrong guy? Well, I have.
I was truly, deeply, and madly in love with a narcissist.
But as you can already guess, our love story was not one of those “and they lived happily ever after” kind of stories. I loved a man with whom the only thing we had in common was that both of us were in love with the same person – him.
I loved a man who showed me that not all people love truly and unconditionally. There are people who “love” and are good to you only when they need to get something from you.
I was in love with a man who showed me that not everyone is capable of loving and that instead of hearts, some have cold stones.
I loved a man who showed me that people can be cruel.
Love made me blind, I admit it. And by the time I realized he was never the man I thought he was and I finally made up my mind to let go of him, I was nothing like the person I once was. True happiness became an abstract term to me. I stopped believing in true love. Love became something that only existed in Hollywood romantic movies or the fairy tales I was read when I was a child.
The world became dark and cold. The once colorful, happy days turned into grey, sad ones. The once happy, peaceful nights turned into sleepless, crying ones. I turned into a shadow of the person I was before I fell in love with this selfish, self-absorbed, inconsiderate man.
Wherever I looked, I only saw loneliness, sadness, and despair. It became very difficult to control my life. I felt helpless. All my hopes were shattered.
It took me so long to heal my grief and broken heart that at one point I started to believe that my life would never be normal again. I wondered if I would ever be capable of loving again. As days went by, love and happiness appeared to move further and further away from me.
And you know, I wasn’t always like this. I was a happy woman who loved life. I was grateful for everything life had given me. I was grateful for being surrounded by people who truly loved me and wanted the best for me.
I was the type of person who always looked for the good in people. I felt happy and fulfilled because I felt good in my own skin and I loved my life.
But all this changed when this narcissist entered my life.
With his lies and the way he treated me, he managed to change me from someone who enjoyed life to someone who started fearing each new day.
I was ashamed of myself for allowing him to abuse me for a long time.
Maybe I didn’t have bruises on my body, but I had deep wounds on my heart and soul. Wounds that were hard to heal. He hurt me in ways no one has ever had nor ever will.
I wish I had never trusted him. I wish I had never fallen for this manipulative man. Yes, he was the master of manipulation. He played all kinds of games to convince me that I could trust him. He pretended he was a nice, kind, loving guy so that he could steal my heart and make me believe that I could always rely on him.
For every lie he told me, he would come up with a hundred more. For every promise he didn’t live up to, he’d make a thousand more. He made me believe he was my safe haven. He made me believe he’d always protect me from anything and anyone and keep me safe. And I felt for those tricks. I believed him.
I let my love for him blind me. Even at times when I would tell myself: “You’ve had it enough. He doesn’t love you. Admit it to yourself. Let go of him. You deserve better,” I was too weak and afraid to let him go.
It was not because I was naïve or stupid, or anything – I just loved him. I loved him honestly and intensely. Unconditionally. I hoped that one day he’d somehow change and finally be the person I’d fallen in love with in the first place.
I believed my kindness, compassion, and unconditional love for him would teach him how to love. But, you can’t teach a person who doesn’t have a heart to love. I regret now that I didn’t know this back then.
I regret letting my heart be broken by a narcissist. I regret letting myself to be fooled by this kind of man. I regret letting him convince me I wasn’t good enough and feed on my pain and misery. I regret letting myself give every part of my heart, mind, and body to a man who wasn’t even worthy of my attention.
I regret making myself think I was some kind of a hero who was fighting for love. It’s true – I lost myself to him. Yet, I found myself again.
I went through hell and back for him. I gave him everything I had to give and I didn’t get anything in return. My life turned into chaos, but it was chaos that changed me.
Dating a narcissist destroyed me a bit, but not completely. By leaving him and struggling to put my life back together, I realized that I was capable of mending every hole in my soul. I was capable of picking the broken pieces of my heart, one by one, and putting them together. I realized I was more than good enough. I was way better than him and everything he put me through. I realized I could be the person I once was again, only smarter, stronger, and more resilient this time.